Friday, January 8, 2010

How to tinkle like a lady!

This story goes back to when I was passing through Maryland outside of Washington, DC.

I was traveling south on the interstate and I had to use the bathroom in the worst way. I was in an area where there were no easy exits to take. It was all cement walls and other cars as far as I could see.

My balloon was filling rapidly and the liquid was almost coming out my eyes. I hoped and prayed to come to an exit but with none in sight, I couldn't see any other options other than the side of the freeway. Oh, no!! Don't people get arrested for doing things like this? I could just see myself explaining to the judge how nature called.

Hmmm... The search began...

With my belly starting to fill to the point of holding the seat belt away, my list of requirements became less and less picky.

While driving in the right lane so I could swing off quickly, I was watching the tree line for ANY spot that would get me out of view of the bumper to bumper, late morning traffic.

Oooo... There it was like a beacon in the sky. A patch of trees up over a small hill where I could hide.

I think the only time a car pulls off the freeway so fast is if they had a blowout. I flung my car to the side and jumped out, as if it were on fire, and ran up a rather steep hill to the top.

UHHHHHH... From the freeway, it looked like the perfect spot filled with trees on the top of a hill, but clearly my liquid filled body had totally impaired judgment!!

As I reached the top of the small hill, there were trees alright, but the part I couldn't see was the fact that the hill dropped straight off the back side just at the top and those trees were growing from the 30-foot ditch below.

Oh, jeez!! I looked at my car and the lines of traffic and thought, "What now?"

I couldn't possibly make it to an exit, so I had to find a way to make this location work...

It was a rainy day and each step was slippery. I had visions of having to explain to the police how I ended up at the bottom of this large ditch. I was grabbing everything I could to keep from sliding to the bottom.

There is a horrible vine here and throughout the southeast called Kudzu that has taken over and grows something like 6 inches a day. WELL, I can testify that it has a very strong root system!!

This horrible vine that everyone hates was my new best friend! You see, if I stayed on the top of the hill, the world could see me, so the only way to keep from exposing myself was to drop my body down just over the edge. BUT if I did this by simply stepping, I would slide to the bottom in seconds.

To keep myself at the top, I was like a jungle woman and had the Kudzu wrapped around my left hand, wrist, and feet while I had to drop my pants with my right hand that was free. The only place for my feet, so they wouldn't slide, was up by my hands. I would have won twister for sure!! While attached to this vine, I hung my bare self out over the cliff and watered the plants below.

You realize, my troubles were only half over!!

You see, getting into this position was much easier than getting out!!

I was now hanging there with my back end exposed and my feet and one hand tangled in this vine. How do I get up? If I stood too tall, everyone on the freeway would see my half-naked self! So in true lady form, I cussed a few times, pulled on the vines with my only free hand and managed to get up enough to get my pants up. Then, I had to untangle my totally numb left hand and feet and get to the top without losing my footing.

There I stood at the top of this hill with red wrists and shoes covered in mud, but I didn't have to go to the bathroom for a while!!!

Now, men, aren't you glad you were created with an internal funnel!?!

By the way, I didn't get a ticket or arrested!


  1. no photo..just to see you in that position (with clothes) would have been priceless!

  2. LOL :) Oh, my gosh, Keri!! It was quite the site!! I didn't even think of a picture that day because I didn't intend to share this experience, but how could I not share a moment like that! For sure, a moment I won't forget!